Deciding Not to Decide

During college, I told my Dad I didn't want to do any internships until after school, and he told me "you'll be a year behind the other 23 year-olds." I remember thinking "Are you ahead or behind other 58 year olds?"

Adulthood isn't a race. Hell, it's barely a voyage. Lately I'd been struggling to figure out where I rank in life, and it's a tremendously frustrating undertaking.

So last week, I decided to give it up. I had told this lady about how I try to judge myself constantly and she said "does it have to be every day? What about once a month?"

That was what it took. For the first time in maybe my entire adult life, but certainly since I left school, I decided to give myself a break. I decided to stop trying to decide if I was doing the right thing with my day or my life. I'm taking a vacation from judging myself.

It makes sense. I've been spending so much energy trying to decide if I'm doing the right thing with my time that I have run out of energy to do things and time to do them in.

At first, letting go of my expectations for myself felt like a vacation. I approached my lack of expectations for myself by thinking of my week as an extension of my weekend (this trick is easier when you don't have a regular job).

Eventually, I started feeling my old pressures on myself coming back - only this time, instead of trying to evaluate how well I was using my time that day, I tried to decide how well I was using my time since I started not trying to evaluate how well I was using my time. It was like a backdoor to self-judgement.

But what really concerns me is how little work I've gotten done. Without feeling an obligation to myself to do them, the no-budget films I've committed to just feel like a burden. The problem with my method of forgiving myself - at the moment, at least - is that I never learned another reason to do things other than crushing, self-inflicted guilt. I need some healthier habits.