Playing the Role of Producer: Ribbles

Excellent night.

Tonight my film premiered at First Sundays. My hand-picked audience members liked it. After the film, I successfully mingled with all parties of said hand-picked audience members (not as easy as it sounds).

Did I mention I'm producing next month's audience film?

That's kind of a big deal.


I have my team together, my writer has a solid concept, I'm getting a jump on location, equipment, schedule, so, of course, I'm nervous as hell. This anxiety has manifested itself psychosomatically as issues with my stomach.

Which sucks.

Of course, there are some perfectly sensible, non-psychosomatic explanations for these stomach issues: There is no food in my apartment, I ate some bad enchiladas at an engagement party in San Antonio a little while back, I don't really understand how to cook the pork dumplings I had for dinner.

However, an invisible, annoying and slightly embarrassing ailment which I can't ignore but which may only exist in my mind and is fighting me from the inside functions admirably as an analogy for my current state of mind. (Spike Lee used it in Clockers, and I can't think of better company for any analogy than that.)

Aside from stomach pains, I also get the feelings that I am somehow only acting like the producer of this film. I mean, I'm hiring people, calling in favors, talking with authority, having meetings, making arrangements, working the room - essentially, doing all the things a producer does - but I still feel like I'm faking it.

There's the possibility of failure, of course. The last project I produced was, in many ways, a failure. On the other hand, if I do all the things a producer does, then I am the producer, like it or not. It's like a relationship - if I can be the same person when I fail as when I succeed, I'll know it's for real.

Until then, I'm investing in Gatorade and TUMS.