Finally, a new way to waste time on the internet.
Ready for the dorkiest story of all time? I was taking a What D&D Character Am I? survey that I stumbled on while looking through the Erfworld forums. Turns out I'm human, but I was almost a gnome. I wasn't super-clear on what a gnome was, I Googled, and I found an intriguing description at DnD wiki.
Then I went back to my survey results (Neutral Good Human Wizard 4th Level) and I saw that "Humans are the most adaptable of the common races," which I liked, and then (and this is where I am getting to the nut graf here) I thought "What does the WikiVerse think of humanity?"
Human at Wikipedia
Ugh. Who has time to read 26 screens on the one thing we all ought to know something about? I like that we are classified under "Ape-related articles."
Human at Memory Alpha, the Star Trek Wiki
What distinguishes humanity? They don't have any "dominant or noticeable bony ridges around their face."
Human at Wookiepedia
"The galaxy's most numerous and politically dominant sentient species with millions of major and minor colonies galaxywide."
Whoo humanity! U.S.A.! U.S.A.! That's how we do, son! None of this evolving second on our planet after some throw-away reptilians shit.
Human at Simple Wikipedia
Is it weird that I feel kind of condescended to by Simple Wiki?
Human at WikiFur
"This item may not be appropriate for WikiFur." Heh. It's weird how that Pioneer 11 plaque seems a bit more sinister in this context. Lots about conflict and being a persecuted minority.
Human at Guild Wars Wiki
I don't know what Guild Wars is, and reading this isn't helping.
Human at Encyclopedia Dramatica
"People are a species of smooth, smelly creatures who populate the earth and the internets." AE consistently entertains me more than anything else in the Wikiverse. It's like listening to a bunch of 12-year-old boys who are smart but everyone says they don't apply themselves, no one likes them and maybe you don't want your kids hanging out with them either because you're pretty sure they're anti-semites.
Human at Uncyclopedia
I think the problem with Uncyclopedia is the fundamental conflict of building consensus and being funny.
Human at Transformers Wiki (if you don't understand how there can be such a thing as a Transformers Wiki, read some Shortpacked!)
It's a little strange being compared unfavorably to a transformer. If being able to transform yourself in to a car is the norm, how can we possibly measure up?
Human at DnD, the Dungeon & Dragons Wiki
We are adaptable, ambitious and diverse. Also, we die off fast compared to everyone else, so stuff changes faster for humanity.
Human at WoWWiki
We are aggressive, inquisitive and resilient. My eyes always seem to start glazing over once I get to our origins, history and important individuals in whatever made-up war you've got there.
Human at TinWiki ("the first online encyclopedia dedicated exclusively to all the topics that inspire the authors to consider tin foil hats.")
TinWiki treats evolution and creationism with the same skepticism as it does intervention from extraterrestrials and migration to Earth from other planets.
Human at Conservapedia ("The Trustworthy Encyclopedia")
The shortest entry on this list. Talk a lot about God, mention some social sciences for good measure, and you're done.
Human at RationalWiki
Nevermind, SimpleWiki. This is definitely the most condescending Human entry in the Wikiverse.
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So here are my results which make an even bigger dork, I was almost half-elf
Neutral Good Human Bard/Sorcerer (2nd/1st Level)
Ability Scores:
Strength- 11
Dexterity- 10
Constitution- 14
Intelligence- 16
Wisdom- 18
Charisma- 14
Alignment:
Neutral Good- A neutral good character does the best that a good person can do. He is devoted to helping others. He works with kings and magistrates but does not feel beholden to them. Neutral good is the best alignment you can be because it means doing what is good without bias for or against order. However, neutral good can be a dangerous alignment because it advances mediocrity by limiting the actions of the truly capable.
Race:
Humans are the most adaptable of the common races. Short generations and a penchant for migration and conquest have made them physically diverse as well. Humans are often unorthodox in their dress, sporting unusual hairstyles, fanciful clothes, tattoos, and the like.
Primary Class:
Bards- Bards often serve as negotiators, messengers, scouts, and spies. They love to accompany heroes (and villains) to witness heroic (or villainous) deeds firsthand, since a bard who can tell a story from personal experience earns renown among his fellows. A bard casts arcane spells without any advance preparation, much like a sorcerer. Bards also share some specialized skills with rogues, and their knowledge of item lore is nearly unmatched. A high Charisma score allows a bard to cast high-level spells.
Secondary Class:
Sorcerers- Sorcerers are arcane spellcasters who manipulate magic energy with imagination and talent rather than studious discipline. They have no books, no mentors, no theories just raw power that they direct at will. Sorcerers know fewer spells than wizards do and acquire them more slowly, but they can cast individual spells more often and have no need to prepare their incantations ahead of time. Also unlike wizards, sorcerers cannot specialize in a school of magic. Since sorcerers gain their powers without undergoing the years of rigorous study that wizards go through, they have more time to learn fighting skills and are proficient with simple weapons. Charisma is very important for sorcerers; the higher their value in this ability, the higher the spell level they can cast.
I wonder if there's a correlation between character class and level of education?
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