I Order In

As a man who both never learned to cook beyond the secondary-school level and rarely leaves the couch, television has become a mine-field of hunger for me.

There were always the classic food movies, but I can plan ahead for those. I just match the nationality of the movie I'm watching to that of the evening's cuisine.

Reality T.V. is the real killer. It took me about two seasons of Survivor repeats before I finally admitted to myself I couldn't watch it on an empty stomach. Those people are constantly talking about food.

Obviously Iron Chef is right out. You'd think Top Chef would be okay since most of the contestants suck pretty hard, but when you're going on coffee and trouble, pretty much anything's going to make it worse. (By the way, why can't I stop blogging about Top Chef? What the hell is that about?)

About the only reality show that's safe to watch is The Apprentice, which used to have some great food rewards but blew its budget.

Then, there's the most nauseating show on T.V. Overweight Midwesterners in houses with unpainted white walls just puts me off my appetite.