More Surreal Moments, oh yeah p.s. I Am In a Movie

More of my most memorably surreal moments from the film industry and the scoop on "Smooth Milkshake" starring me and premiering Sunday.

Russian
I'm called in to the room where our principal actor is doing his last scene before returning to Russia. I am charged with holding up the cue cards that have all his (English) lines written out phonetically in Cyrilic letters. I have to keep ducking behind the cue cards to keep from laughing at his delivery.

Rain
We are shooting a very complicated scene outside in the middle of the night. Everyone was excited because we get to work with these giant rain poles, but they turned out to be underwhelming, like sprinklers on 30' poles. We had to be off the street at 1:00 a.m. and it is now 1:30 a.m.

I am positioned at the end of the street to block oncoming traffic once the camera rolls. This is an easy job because there is not much traffic in the middle of the night and it gives me a great view of this gigantic scene we've set up.

The AD's running around. There's lights set up on roofs and fire escapes and the site rep's annoyed and FINALLY everything's set.

"Roll camera!" says the AD as he dashes across the street. "Roll sound! Rain! I need rain!"

Right on cue, the rain begins.


Actor
PAs are often taken for granted, which is fine and natural and happens because a PA's time is, by definition, the least valuable time on set. That's why PAs get jobs like sitting in a truck - someone has to do it, and everyone else has real work to do.

Then, one day, I was called on to act. My job was to carry a box of doughnuts through a door. I got in costume and held the doughnuts. Suddenly I was the center of attention. The grips, electrics and DP all stared at my face trying to get the light right, the camera department rehearsed my walk to the door and took measurements to get the focus right. The director even asked me if I wanted to talk about motivation, which I thought was high-LARIOUS, although no one else seemed to get it.

I've acted before. Given half an opportunity, I will always (always!) try to steal the scene. First take. Cut.

Director: Richard, that was great. Great! One thing. Just don't do all that stuff with your face. Just act normal.

I do. After several more takes, it's a wrap on Richard for the shoot. Everyone applauds.

Monday
Monday I got to act again. The inestimable Jay Stern runs the First Sundays Comedy Film Festival and every month he chooses an audience member's name out of a hat to star in a short comedy film for the next month. November 3, they chose my name out of a hat.

Upshot: I am starring in the film "Smooth Milkshake," which will premier 7:00 p.m. December 3 at the Pioneer Theater, 3rd St. at Ave. A, Manhattan (it goes without saying, but you are all invited). (Also, there is free beer.)

I'm in two scenes, and the first we shot very early Monday morning in Brooklyn Heights, overlooking the East River. The main character is going to jump off a bridge and my roll called for me to run around a corner yelling "Maya! Maya!" and then try to talk the girl out of jumping.

I did my part with great volume and enthusiasm. It was only after about half an hour of yelling and overacting that I noticed about a half-dozen downtown Brooklyn types in suits sitting on a bench, eating their breakfast and watching me make a fool of myself in the cold.